Wrinkled words

If I were told, that all my words would be taken away from me, and that I would be left with nothing then merely a handful of words, to get through my days, to get through with people… I would choose to only know these following words, “I love you”, “Al Hamdulillah” (thank God), and “Istgfr Allah” (Allah forgive me).I love words, I love reading, debating, I love explaining and sharing information, but what I love more than words and the transfer of information, is the expression on people’s faces when they receive information. The shock, the thrill, the fascination, the love, the compassion, the sadness, the anger… I think if I can understand what a person feels by the look on their face, I will manage my way around just fine…

after all; this is what I learnt from lecturing… I deliver thousands of information per-day, but I receive very little verbal responses that explain to me what the student thinks of, questions, and instead, I learnt to read their faces… I come across those who are fascinated by the idea and so I go more into depth with the topic, I see faces with questions marks and puzzled eyes, and so I explain more and rephrase my taught statements, I see faces with denial and so I give facts, examples, and evidence until the expression melts and molds into acceptance to the delivered content, and I believe, that this strange equation of delivered words and facial expression responses is what keeps me thrilled every time I walk into a lecture room.I got better in connecting with people through this job, I came to understand that students have so much to carry on their own, and although I was a student just a while ago, I want to be there for my students, even though I do not know how it feels to have someone there for me, for I never had a close mentor, or an understanding lecturer… this closeness, this unconditional understanding in the west is sometimes misunderstood and seen as ‘spoon-feeding’ and ‘spoiling’ the student. I think that learning is more than just the transference of an idea, notion, or information. It is all in the art of transferring the information… I listen better to those I am comfortable around, I concentrate more with those whom I can relate to, I listen closer to those who i feel identifed by eye contact from other members of the audience…

Returning to my ‘IF’ question. I am not an emotional bombshell by the way, I hardly ever say the words ‘I love you’… I hardly express what is unnecessary to express, I am extremely passionate when talking about the truth that sometimes my honest words come across as painful pins to others. I think life is too short to lie or mess around with the words you wish to just deliver straight-forward and direct, because lies end up being dogged up, or they naturally float on the surface for someone to notice at one point or another especially when you grow tired of holding them down.

I speak my mind when I am angry or hurt, I do not filter anything, because I don’t like beautify the ugly truth that hurt me in the first place. If you show me ugly I show you ugly…. Treatment, words, inconsideration and so forth… but I hate sleeping with words trapped in my heart, so I let go of all my thoughts in any discussion, I never take words back, because I believe that even slips of the tongue mean something.. And yes, they do release some of the trapped heat of the overwhelmed feelings.

But… if I should ever come down to my knees, lose my words, lose my wisdom with them, I want to continue loving, and letting those who will look after me know that I am thankful, in loving them, I am thankful. I want my nephew to remember nothing from me but beautiful reassuring words… I want him to know I loved him before his creation, and loved him more with every day that passed. I want my parents to know, that after all the quarrels, all the stubborn moments, all the hardships and the distance of years abroad, that I love them.. I want the world to know I loved everyone everyday… I would rather love too much, than hate too much. I would rather share love, than share hate…I want to share the words I shared too little of…The rest of the words, I think I can live without… what would you want to hold on to??