My Ligyrophobia!

Today it hit me like a brick of ice on my forehead! I have a phobia from loud noises especially screams. For quite sometime I have noticed how uncomfortable I am when there is loud noises around. Funny enough though, I do not mind loud music, as long as it’s pleasant and not metal or anything disturbing. Perhaps I am only comfortable when I am the one controlling the volume, otherwise if I have no control over it I feel quiet uncomfortable. The feeling intensifies however, when it deals with people’s tone of voice. The louder the more uncomfortable I felt. If they don’t stop, I feel like I am being pulled from my self into a state of complete blankness. A state where I no longer communicate or receive any information. I think that is when I freeze, my breathing goes from rapid to nothing at all, my heart from pounding to rhythmically strong and loud beats and my senses blur out to the max. It’s almost as though the feelings excavated by the fear, tension, and shock of the situation overwhelm me to an extent where my avoidance level is accelerated with full speed reaching a state of complete avoidance of external factors and even of self. The case changes however if I was feeling rather angry than scared when someone was speaking loudly and was unpleasantly violent or threatening. My anger will push me to defensiveness and self-expression rather than suck myself and awareness right out of me like when I go into a shock-frightened-mode.

Whoa! I cannot believe I have just come to realise my phobia of loud noises. I have always felt and acknowledged some degree of discomfort in such situations but in never occurred to me why? Or even the repetition and reoccurrence of such feelings in similar situations. This all came to me at once just five minutes ago when I stormed off from the living room fuming in anger and fret. I was watching a thriller movie with some friends and at the part where the killer appeared suddenly behind the girl, together with the sound effect, made me shrug till my lungs fired off through my ribs. That wasn’t as scary as the screams of some girls in the room with me. Their scream could’ve been a moment of fun to them, the fact that they were suddenly shocked and then the movie ended which was time for them to laugh. I stood there fuming, throwing the pillows around because I didn’t not find it funny when they screamed that loud! … it simply set my heart off for good three minutes as I grabbed on to my chest and closed my eyes to not loose my senses, to focus on me, to stay with myself, and work on calming myself. It was horrible…I tell you!