Them, Us, YOU and I!

I was talking to my cousin today and I asked her about her deepest thought. She replied with so much confusion and said, “I’m trying to find myself”. As our conversation unfolded we began talking about how sometimes as humans, we tend to act and behave in certain ways that others approve off more than ourselves. We gain the expertise in moulding our self with different people showing them what they want to see. It could be because we are no mood for clashes and ticks off; we just want to get along no matter what it takes. That could be the need to belong actually. It could also be because we are not secure within ourselves, and lack the knowledge of who we really are, so we show various personalities from time to time trying them out brand-new outfits. If they suit we take them along and attach those new characteristics to our personality, adding more and more on until we are satisfied. The problem is however, if we take too many outfits to the extent of chaos. You no longer can tell what looks good with what in your wardrobe, and go back to your old clothes and wear your old combinations because you are used to them and people who know you cannot comment on it saying “Oh I really like what you’re wearing”, or “What on earth are you wearing?!?!”, because they have already seen it on you and the phase of commenting is gone and done with. Henceforth, to avoid the fifty-fifty-per cent chance of getting a positive or negative comment, you go back to your old self, the one that everyone is happy with and satisfied with. All this because we might fear people’s reaction to our new change, will they like it, or disapprove of it? Will I loose someone I hold close to my heart because of this minor change? Will I regret it? Do I really want to bring this upon myself…all these thoughts are negative if you’ve noticed, not because we innately think this way but because we are so keen on belonging and fitting in with out little groups, to connect with our people, feel we have something in common, feel understood, wanted, and appreciated.

It’s an even harder feeling when it’s to do with your parents. So many times in life we try to do things to please our parents because there is this feeling which follows us like a clouds; as though we owe them so much because they brought us, took their best care of us, fed us, loved us, and let go when we decided to run after life. At times when life gets hard and tough, and everything is just against us we tend to complain and blame our parents for our mistakes and how our life turned out to be, but hang on! … Who said in the first place that they were perfect to begin with…no one is perfect, they tried their best like every other parent. I bet most parents were scared to the bone yet overwhelmed with joy with the birth of their baby. Certainty is a beautiful thing, but they don’t know what this baby will bring to them, how will they manage raising him/her up, how will things turn out to be? None of these crucial questioned are answered, and only time can tell. So they too have difficulties worrying over little infants and continue to worry over us even when we have our own house, own life, own children, because we’re still a part of them and forever will be. Its not an easy task, come to think of it, it’s a life time commitment, and children are an all-time responsibility. You can’t just bring them to earth and leave them, and that’s exactly the opposite of what my parents did. So I should be grateful, because I wasn’t left in the cold for the world to raise me up, from street to street, ghetto to ghetto, till I choose an ending for my life before I know what fate has waiting for me. I began feeling the guilt. I mean…I still remember the time I was in the car with my mom, and I asked her, “mama who are you?” she said, “I’m your mother!” I replied, “I know you are my mother, but what else are you...who are you besides being my mother? Who were you before getting married?”…she just looked at me and said, “I don’t know… and I don’t remember…” in an upset tone. I never want to reach that, but this tells me more about my mother’s dedication than anything else. She sacrificed her precious self for us the moment she became a mother, stuck with her role and played it to the max. but I wished so many times to know how she was when she was young, I regularly ask my aunties about how my mom was when she was my age, how did she look like, what her style was, what type was she…and I used to flip through her old albums and admire her Arabian beauty and just marvel at her. I somehow guilty because I feel as though my parents have lived their future and now they are just living the rest for us, to see us grow become the best of ourselves. They were young, they got their dream jobs, they met their other half, love one another, got their babies and worked hard together to take care of their offspring, watched them grow, and let them go to life encouraging them, pushing them forward, supporting them, and loving them. Now more than ever, I feel their dedication, and although I am miles away, I have never felt a stronger urge to hug them and kiss their foreheads as this very moment.

this is a little song.. a wish from me to everyone out there :)

http://s2jay.imeem.com/music/Xoe6cVQw/my_wish/

(p.s. thanx rakkan :) )