Fed to ULTIMATE upness (fed up!)

I feel as though I have been torn and twisted between a battle of two twins between my moral anxiety and my neurotic anxiety, but nothing beats the anxiety I feel in my heart and the pain that beats the walls of my head. You see, your moral anxiety is the fear of what you have done wrong, whom you have done wrong all together on the ground of blame and guilt. Your neurotic anxieties however, are the anxieties that originate from stress and the fear of failure. The emotional anxieties to me are the feelings that float in your heart, the hurt and the happiness, the sorrow and the sweetness, the exhilaration of being in love and loved in return, and the lonesome of being forgotten, left behind and/or treated unkind.

I have had my fun and it’s over now, but no one knows that even through those moments of fun, I was a constant worrier, I worried about the circumstance of each smile I smiled, every laughter I laughed, it is as though the equation to my happiness equalled something massive I will eventually have to repay forcefully.

I hate learning under pressure. I hate dead lines and due dates. I hate doing anything because I have to, because if I don’t do it I will face a circumstance, which due to my refusal, will lead to a negative outcome. Yet, this is how things seem to work the fastest, as though being held from your sensitive pressure point makes you work more effectively. But doesn’t this make you feel like you are conditioned? Wont this gradually kill your internal thrive which drives you to success... shouldn’t you have the right to walk your way towards success the way you want to reach it and on your own pace and speed with whom ever you choose to accompany you even if it is no one else but yourself?!

I wonder what would happen if the lives of all people, young and old, was blended in one bundle and analysed at once, what word would describe it the most, beautiful or Complex, Extraordinary or bizarre.... perhaps none, perhaps a new word will be invented to describe the indescribable. Don’t give me that half-cup-full crap because I am in a neutral estate, I am neither pessimistic nor optimistic, meaning the choice of words to describe do not depend on my mood or your mood, let it for once depend on an the actual situation...

Let me ask you this question... would you rather be broken or afraid? Don’t tell me none, for once, have some strength to imagine the pain of others, the confusion of others, the fear of others.... why do people make fun of neurotic people? Personally I do not find it funny when a person is accused of sanity... I find it highly childish. Sometimes I cannot stand people who make fun of things no matter how humorous they are, their attitude is what intimidates me not the words they say. I cannot sit around them, I feel as though they eat my mind out with their senseless outlook that the more I sit with them the less human I become and the more of an animalistic hyena I become.

Why do I feel as though I have a little fuming fortune cupped between my ribs waiting to burst in anger... I am not angry, I feel something but I do not know what exactly. I feel something but it is not as positive as I want it to be, it sleeps on the sides of negativism tonight. I went to bed hopping my resting sleep will eventually twinkle it away but it hasn’t. I woke up, and the little fortune is still there rattling between my tiny ribs. Maybe later on when the rattles get a little louder I will be able to make a tune to this blue melody I find myself gone away with. I will not listen to a word I have heard unless the word is from my within, I will live from within, not by what I have been told. I have been told to manage my feelings, to be a woman, to act like one and walk like one even if I feel like a little baby in my heart. I have been told to always look confident even when I am hurt and broken within. I was told to speak smart even when I am confused. People are people, it is time I live for my own, and you live for your own. Close your soul to the voices of those outside, advice is good, but take some time to listen to the voices inside your insides...

(P.S. by the way... I’m not a gloomy person! I am a very lively person, a bubbly one in fact! I just don’t allow this stressed-out gloomy side of me out in public, so I let it loose here...)