In the arms of Tiredness...

Its no longer a blur, its no longer a haze, its no longer unclear… and oh how I wish for it to go back to that, not yet absolute, not yet defined, not yet grey, black or white. Sometimes absoluteness is more rigid, harsher and more determined in comparison to something that lingers somewhere in between. Yes, being in between is never easy too, never steady, never fixed and complete or set on stone…. But it is changeable, it is flexible, it is not yet, it is to become, which means that there is more hope in this stage than in a stage of absoluteness.

I feel… as though I started a race with everyone at sunrise… it was fun at first, we all ran together with the adrenaline shooting the stars, the laughter everywhere, we were all aiming for a price, to be, to succeed, to win… each one of us was running for a purpose, and wining for a principle of matter, but wanting to win, united us in the journey.

The night came and went, the sun rose up and dipped, the scenes changed, I slowed down at times and ran faster at times to catch up, I spoke to different people in the race, met new people until this moment came… where I found myself running alone, the nights felt longer, the silence is louder, I can hear my footsteps getting slower and the heat and humid are wearing off my weary lungs… and I am thirsty for some water to wet my heart which has been beating so fast since the beginning of the race, but now, I notice it, now I can hear the beats.. now my internal chaos is louder than the wilderness I am running in… Now that there is no one around me, I can hear the loudness of my tired self.

My problems are scattered everywhere, and because I don’t tell, I get more things thrown at me… what people see is not what they get… to them, I am the young care-free, always smiling, always cheerful young girl who has so much time on her hands that what ever is asked of her gets done… the girl who studied psychology and knows how to deal with everything and everyone… saint like! … The girl who can solve any problem and never become stupid, dumb, slow, and bad at any subject… little did they know that I sleep under a sky-high and metal-thick mountain night after night. I used to be in control of things, but now, I can’t even complement, I can’t even see right from wrong, I can’t even continue a conversation or even an argument… I cannot give clear justified answers and responses; I cannot be a person who is sane anymore… I act more insane than sane, but I try to patch it up with silly jokes… I sleep and wakeup overwhelmed. I have nightmares in the morning, and worries in my dreams. My eyes can speak now, maybe in a week they’ll stretch and slap sense into me. I’m very tired I even cry to vent how tired I am… not cry to complain or to feel sorry for myself or to express my sad sad situation. I cry because I physically cannot take it anymore… my workload is beyond what my hands can work with.

Signed with a .... sigh...