Stormy...

As I look out of the library window, I see the day being dressed in night. Slowly and gently, it wears its silky violet prom dress. Getting ready for a date with the stars. Yesterday was a horrible day. The wind was blowing violently to the extent that it was the ground reason to the death of four people according to the ten o’clock BBC news last night. Perhaps the relationship was a little rocky last night, the sky was clear, the stars hardly even showed. I just assumed there was an enormous quarrel that night that upset the night’s mood and caused the winds to twist it, push it back and forth with confusion and pain, until…the anger and the pain began to wear-off and with the sense of exhaustion, the night withdrew itself allowing the morning to come forth, and bring some calmness to the air and just a little beam of light.

As I woke up this morning, early as usual, ready for a shower. I took a peek from my window to study the whether. It seemed settled. I just assumed it was the day-after-a-major-fight-mood. Where both couples are absorbed in their own worlds, in their own troubles and feelings, trying so hard to connect to their inner-selves after being drifted and driven to extremes with anger and temper-twists. Its time…its time for the volcanic explosion of emotion to sink back in…to settle, and to be soaked up and accepted. That’s why its calm today. Hopefully, by mid-night, when I look outside, I see the sky hugging the stars, because according to my knowledge, that’s how the equation of lovers should work. After a major fight, comes a major make up that hugs the couple’s worries away and gives birth to beautiful yet enigmatic sense of sereneness and sweetness.

Chained to a world that does not alow you to belong!

‘I’m not sure how I’m supposed to go on now,’ I said to myself, looking at the universe expectantly. ‘I’m really not sure,’ I said a minute later, just as though my confusion was building up by the minute. Then I realised, perhaps us humans are put into this loop of confusion to keep our minds alive, with thoughts, searching for alternatives and options not to necessarily answer a specific question, but perhaps by these several new options we come up with that day, we will be able to sleep lighter that night . . . knowing we are one step closer, or one step farther away from insanity, loneliness, and/or hopelessness.

‘Forgive me God for I have sinned’…a line that I say everyday to the extent where my mind got used to hearing it being said and over and over up to the point that my subconscious mind began to whisper it even when my conscious mind was busy somewhere else. Its as if the two worlds of the subconscious and the consciousness come together to pray to God for his forgiveness, to save me from my sins, to save me from what this world together with my uncontrolled self have brought upon me. I am ashamed by myself, but I would rather be ashamed, low to the point of begging for mercy and forgiveness than to walk proud in a world like this.

And there they go again... They tried to make me go to rehab I said no, no, no. Yes I been black, but when I come back! I aint got the time, And if my Daddy thinks im fine, I dont need no rehab!