Take a bow every time you stand up for yourself!

Entries of a bloated heart,

Kick off your shoes and unwind in a moment of true honesty with yourself. Scream, let go, speak the words you dare not speak in front of judging souls. I once had the most straightforward and honest argument ever, I spoke my heart and mind without reason or explanation. I spitted out sentences that start with, ‘YOU MAKE ME….’, ‘I FEEL …’, ‘I THINK….’, ‘YOU ARE….’ and on and on. The person on the other end was horrified, I can’t tell by what more, the words or my image in distress, screaming my heart out at her. If you ask me about that day, I think it was worth the experience, it was worth it to let go and say everything I truly felt that very day. Sometime, people push you on and on, to test your limits, and when you burst, they run off to a corner and behave as though this was all your own doing. Before every breakdown or explosion, there are signs and messages, it is up to you to see them, listen to them, and recognize them. The partner in the above example, dismissed all my messages, and went on and on pressing on all my pressure points until I exploded right there when she was caught off guard.

Whatever you call it, no matter what thoughts you have in your head after reading this, believe me, you will only know how healthy it feels to really speak your mind, and no matter how hurtful the words are, until you have experienced it. I may have lost a friend in that argument, but I speak up for myself, to not loos the connection I have with myself, after all, who does myself have to defend but my own self?

My friend asked me after three months of a relationship fasting from communication, if I had really meant what I said, and if I had the chance, would I not say what I had said? Was all what I said a result of a moment of anger? It made me feel a little guilty that she spent time looking for justifying reasons to my actions, but my answer was not pleasant in her opinion at all. Honesty again, brutal in her perception! I answered frankly saying that I hardly believe that what is said in a moment of anger is not felt or thought… perhaps exaggerated, but certainly felt at some point. What I had said that day was a result of pressure, constant judgement, expectations, and comparisons. My messages were not getting through to her when I coated them with nice words to deliver them in a more presentable manner, so when she hit the core ingredients without all the icing, she finally understood what I was trying to say all along.

I do not regret speaking my mind and heart, I regret having a friend with high judgement, I do not regret telling you what I thought of you, I regret having a friend not willing to listen, I do not regret not changing for you, I regret having a friend who constantly looked for flaws to be changed in me, I do not regret not keeping contact with you, I regret having a friend who compared herself to me and counted the number of times I did things for her, and the times she did things for me, then rubbed it in my face. I do not regret not crying over her, I regret that she waited for me to change into what she would have loved to see in a friend. I regret that she never really knew me, only misjudged me time after time. I do not regret the distance between us, I regret the times she made me feel like I owe her my time, my love, my happy mood… sorry, but you earn what you work for, and in this friendship, you were a high maintenance friend , expected far too much from a careless free soul. I do not regret not conforming to your needs…


Now that the words are out, my heart is lighter… I hope and pray for all the people including my friends, and once-friends, to really be busy with their own life, and their own happiness, with the people they love and with those who love them back.


Sincerely yours,
Ms. Ifeelbetteralready

When is your next check-up appointment dear?

Some people spend a fortune on their check-ups, some… don’t bother much, simply travel across boarders to a third world country where medicine is still less expensive than the usual rates. There, they treat them selves to a fresh intern, who experiments wildly on them, perhaps kick in a few praises about their health, give them some local medicine to get presumably better and sends them off with an idea implanted, that they are well and should feel generally better in a matter of months. Now here are the lackadaisical others, who simply neglect health, and worry about trivial matters, until they fall flat on the ground with feet kicking and eyes squinting, all an expression of the overwhelming pain that has rushed in to their system. Let’s see… who have we missed? Oh yes, the health paranoid people, who indulge into organic food, detox programs, multivitamins and Japanese herbs and so on... to taste health at its best, even if it means living a life that is too careful, sometimes, even less normal to whatever society they may ever encounter.

In the end, our bodies need check-ups right? At least all the people mentioned above agree on that. So if our bodies will go to whatever extent to get the attention required for urgent medical help, or a change of diet, or even a little bit of exercise, don’t you think our soul requires the same?

I often hear about women who hit the gym because they believe it will keep them fit, some go to stay thin, some for how it makes them feel after a tad bit of exercise, refreshed I assume, and well there is this other minority who hit the gym because it looks ‘cool’ to be sporty, oh and not to mention, ‘it makes me feel like I’m doing something in my life’ reason… I know I may come across at this point as judgemental, but these are reasons that no human brain can comprehend, tolerate… maybe, comprehend… hardly I guess..

After this long introduction, let me talk to you to what REALLY gets me going on in rants and bikers. I can tolerate all the lies you lie to me, and to your self, but I cannot tolerate mistreatment to someone who has been tolerant to others childish behaviour. I was with a group of lovely girls, talks and laughs, until the discussions steamed over our canaloni and Italian pizzas. I suddenly was used as an example for someone who is too strange for society. It really made me laugh, how minds think differently, and I was actually glad to feel all giddy inside rather than offended, it is a living proof that I haven’t yet give in to society’s norms.

A group of girls went on and on, about how a person should control the self, rather than be trailed off by it. how a person should lecture the self, over power it, at some times, even pressure it into doing what it might not feel like doing, for instance, if you feel like you really cant go out and socialize, like you really need some alone time, you should ignore that feeling, and go anyways, because its simply rude not to attend. Question: why is it considered rude to not attend someone’s invitation, and not rude when I turn down an invitation to stay by myself and listen to what myself needs to tell me today? Then the girl goes on and says another comment, ‘it is unhealthy to spend too much time withdrawn from society, you should socialize more… and spend less time by yourself’. Question: unhealthy by whose measures? How much is less time, and what is too much time? Maybe how you measure time is differently than how I measure it… another girl went on a rant, and told me all her problems and all I was hearing was how disappointed she was in herself…. Question: why do you hate people who are hard on you, but dismiss yourself when you beat your soul down and step on it when you are disappointed by your achievements of doing? Is it easier to judge others and not yourself? Perhaps yes… another person, well this person is just a wonder piece, this person has a whole film collection playing in her mind, that you are not literally part of, but in her fantasy, you are every part of what she plays in her mind. As a result, you end up either being scolded at, or misunderstood, or even at times, well just misjudged… and when she begins to talk again, she says, ‘its funny how odd we are’, and I laugh and think to myself, ‘I don’t even know what your going on about, but you seem to have a lot of drama playing in your head…but if this’ll make you sleep tonight, then.. Sure’ and she gets upset, she makes an excuse to every and any fight so that I would apologize to her, which I hardly ever do, I’m just patient… and as I came to think about it, I realized how my tolerance has been feeding her unpleasant behaviour. At the final call, she talks to me and tells me that I do not like her much in her opinion, and that I look down at her and love myself a tad bit too much. Newsflash: yes, I love myself, it took me a good few years of training to first find myself, then befriend her, then love her… second of all, I do not like drama, nor do I like to place people or problems in the centre of my attention, unless extremely necessary. Now don’t only listen to the attitude in my words, listen to the agony I am in by being surrounded with many lovely people, who hardly care for them selves. I am not talking about health here, I am talking about your soul, your only self.

You grow up in a society that encourages you to do regular check-ups for health precautions, have you forgotten that a check-up includes your mental and emotional health too? The moment you mention, ‘spend time alone and think about it’, a panic lurks into the room and you suddenly offended someone with these words? why is it okay to pay leaps of money on vitamins, pills, and good food, but not reasonable to pay money to buy things to treat your self, buy time to be with yourself, know her, love her, talk to her and recognize your strengths and abilities through her. You speak with the highest tone when you get a call as you stroll down the tredmil, but whisper or turn your phone on silent when you’re at psychiatry or counselling clinic. Shame on you if your ashamed of your troubles, you are only human and this is part of your make up, are you ashamed of your human nature? Shame on you, if you look down at someone who has a good connection with their self, are you more proud of your relations with friends than you are with your self? There is no shame in our differences, but if you are happy where you are, let me be happy and don’t bug into peoples lives.

In the end, I am sending out a reminder…. Do not forget your self check-up, your self needs you, so check how it feels every once in a while, go with how you feel sometimes, allow your heart to have a say and your mind at other times… don’t choke yourself with must do’s and must be’s…. allow to become… allow to live.