Take a bow every time you stand up for yourself!

Entries of a bloated heart,

Kick off your shoes and unwind in a moment of true honesty with yourself. Scream, let go, speak the words you dare not speak in front of judging souls. I once had the most straightforward and honest argument ever, I spoke my heart and mind without reason or explanation. I spitted out sentences that start with, ‘YOU MAKE ME….’, ‘I FEEL …’, ‘I THINK….’, ‘YOU ARE….’ and on and on. The person on the other end was horrified, I can’t tell by what more, the words or my image in distress, screaming my heart out at her. If you ask me about that day, I think it was worth the experience, it was worth it to let go and say everything I truly felt that very day. Sometime, people push you on and on, to test your limits, and when you burst, they run off to a corner and behave as though this was all your own doing. Before every breakdown or explosion, there are signs and messages, it is up to you to see them, listen to them, and recognize them. The partner in the above example, dismissed all my messages, and went on and on pressing on all my pressure points until I exploded right there when she was caught off guard.

Whatever you call it, no matter what thoughts you have in your head after reading this, believe me, you will only know how healthy it feels to really speak your mind, and no matter how hurtful the words are, until you have experienced it. I may have lost a friend in that argument, but I speak up for myself, to not loos the connection I have with myself, after all, who does myself have to defend but my own self?

My friend asked me after three months of a relationship fasting from communication, if I had really meant what I said, and if I had the chance, would I not say what I had said? Was all what I said a result of a moment of anger? It made me feel a little guilty that she spent time looking for justifying reasons to my actions, but my answer was not pleasant in her opinion at all. Honesty again, brutal in her perception! I answered frankly saying that I hardly believe that what is said in a moment of anger is not felt or thought… perhaps exaggerated, but certainly felt at some point. What I had said that day was a result of pressure, constant judgement, expectations, and comparisons. My messages were not getting through to her when I coated them with nice words to deliver them in a more presentable manner, so when she hit the core ingredients without all the icing, she finally understood what I was trying to say all along.

I do not regret speaking my mind and heart, I regret having a friend with high judgement, I do not regret telling you what I thought of you, I regret having a friend not willing to listen, I do not regret not changing for you, I regret having a friend who constantly looked for flaws to be changed in me, I do not regret not keeping contact with you, I regret having a friend who compared herself to me and counted the number of times I did things for her, and the times she did things for me, then rubbed it in my face. I do not regret not crying over her, I regret that she waited for me to change into what she would have loved to see in a friend. I regret that she never really knew me, only misjudged me time after time. I do not regret the distance between us, I regret the times she made me feel like I owe her my time, my love, my happy mood… sorry, but you earn what you work for, and in this friendship, you were a high maintenance friend , expected far too much from a careless free soul. I do not regret not conforming to your needs…


Now that the words are out, my heart is lighter… I hope and pray for all the people including my friends, and once-friends, to really be busy with their own life, and their own happiness, with the people they love and with those who love them back.


Sincerely yours,
Ms. Ifeelbetteralready

When is your next check-up appointment dear?

Some people spend a fortune on their check-ups, some… don’t bother much, simply travel across boarders to a third world country where medicine is still less expensive than the usual rates. There, they treat them selves to a fresh intern, who experiments wildly on them, perhaps kick in a few praises about their health, give them some local medicine to get presumably better and sends them off with an idea implanted, that they are well and should feel generally better in a matter of months. Now here are the lackadaisical others, who simply neglect health, and worry about trivial matters, until they fall flat on the ground with feet kicking and eyes squinting, all an expression of the overwhelming pain that has rushed in to their system. Let’s see… who have we missed? Oh yes, the health paranoid people, who indulge into organic food, detox programs, multivitamins and Japanese herbs and so on... to taste health at its best, even if it means living a life that is too careful, sometimes, even less normal to whatever society they may ever encounter.

In the end, our bodies need check-ups right? At least all the people mentioned above agree on that. So if our bodies will go to whatever extent to get the attention required for urgent medical help, or a change of diet, or even a little bit of exercise, don’t you think our soul requires the same?

I often hear about women who hit the gym because they believe it will keep them fit, some go to stay thin, some for how it makes them feel after a tad bit of exercise, refreshed I assume, and well there is this other minority who hit the gym because it looks ‘cool’ to be sporty, oh and not to mention, ‘it makes me feel like I’m doing something in my life’ reason… I know I may come across at this point as judgemental, but these are reasons that no human brain can comprehend, tolerate… maybe, comprehend… hardly I guess..

After this long introduction, let me talk to you to what REALLY gets me going on in rants and bikers. I can tolerate all the lies you lie to me, and to your self, but I cannot tolerate mistreatment to someone who has been tolerant to others childish behaviour. I was with a group of lovely girls, talks and laughs, until the discussions steamed over our canaloni and Italian pizzas. I suddenly was used as an example for someone who is too strange for society. It really made me laugh, how minds think differently, and I was actually glad to feel all giddy inside rather than offended, it is a living proof that I haven’t yet give in to society’s norms.

A group of girls went on and on, about how a person should control the self, rather than be trailed off by it. how a person should lecture the self, over power it, at some times, even pressure it into doing what it might not feel like doing, for instance, if you feel like you really cant go out and socialize, like you really need some alone time, you should ignore that feeling, and go anyways, because its simply rude not to attend. Question: why is it considered rude to not attend someone’s invitation, and not rude when I turn down an invitation to stay by myself and listen to what myself needs to tell me today? Then the girl goes on and says another comment, ‘it is unhealthy to spend too much time withdrawn from society, you should socialize more… and spend less time by yourself’. Question: unhealthy by whose measures? How much is less time, and what is too much time? Maybe how you measure time is differently than how I measure it… another girl went on a rant, and told me all her problems and all I was hearing was how disappointed she was in herself…. Question: why do you hate people who are hard on you, but dismiss yourself when you beat your soul down and step on it when you are disappointed by your achievements of doing? Is it easier to judge others and not yourself? Perhaps yes… another person, well this person is just a wonder piece, this person has a whole film collection playing in her mind, that you are not literally part of, but in her fantasy, you are every part of what she plays in her mind. As a result, you end up either being scolded at, or misunderstood, or even at times, well just misjudged… and when she begins to talk again, she says, ‘its funny how odd we are’, and I laugh and think to myself, ‘I don’t even know what your going on about, but you seem to have a lot of drama playing in your head…but if this’ll make you sleep tonight, then.. Sure’ and she gets upset, she makes an excuse to every and any fight so that I would apologize to her, which I hardly ever do, I’m just patient… and as I came to think about it, I realized how my tolerance has been feeding her unpleasant behaviour. At the final call, she talks to me and tells me that I do not like her much in her opinion, and that I look down at her and love myself a tad bit too much. Newsflash: yes, I love myself, it took me a good few years of training to first find myself, then befriend her, then love her… second of all, I do not like drama, nor do I like to place people or problems in the centre of my attention, unless extremely necessary. Now don’t only listen to the attitude in my words, listen to the agony I am in by being surrounded with many lovely people, who hardly care for them selves. I am not talking about health here, I am talking about your soul, your only self.

You grow up in a society that encourages you to do regular check-ups for health precautions, have you forgotten that a check-up includes your mental and emotional health too? The moment you mention, ‘spend time alone and think about it’, a panic lurks into the room and you suddenly offended someone with these words? why is it okay to pay leaps of money on vitamins, pills, and good food, but not reasonable to pay money to buy things to treat your self, buy time to be with yourself, know her, love her, talk to her and recognize your strengths and abilities through her. You speak with the highest tone when you get a call as you stroll down the tredmil, but whisper or turn your phone on silent when you’re at psychiatry or counselling clinic. Shame on you if your ashamed of your troubles, you are only human and this is part of your make up, are you ashamed of your human nature? Shame on you, if you look down at someone who has a good connection with their self, are you more proud of your relations with friends than you are with your self? There is no shame in our differences, but if you are happy where you are, let me be happy and don’t bug into peoples lives.

In the end, I am sending out a reminder…. Do not forget your self check-up, your self needs you, so check how it feels every once in a while, go with how you feel sometimes, allow your heart to have a say and your mind at other times… don’t choke yourself with must do’s and must be’s…. allow to become… allow to live.

Love wont come without good listening skills...

I once read somewhere, that if people knew the arts of conversations, there would be no war on any land on earth. It only takes one good conversation for one’s problems to disappear, for one’s fears to be calmed down, for one’s issues to be resolved.

If directive talk therapy can heal wounds from abuse, mistrust, paranoia and delusions, the bitter past of a broken home, images of domestic abuse that no being can tolerate to see let alone remember the pain that was inflicted to loved ones… talking helps the speaker and the listener. There is a satisfaction that flows both ways, the speaker releases trapped thoughts, steamed feelings, haunting memories, piercing fears, whilst the listener holds hands with a person in disappear through his godly given instruments of all bonds, his very own ears. Sometimes I feel as though, the fast track to a heart, is through the ears… not by touch, not by vision, but by what a person says, or what a person does not say…

What leads us to wars, is not understanding one another… war, is another face or an argument, but in an argument you have a maximum of two players, in a war, you have two nations if not more, with all the citizens ranging from young to old.

What doe sit take for the world to understand one another? What will it take for people to simply accept the life that has struck us all, if the saying is “no one is truly happy”, why should we continue to suffer alone, why not join hands in our struggles. If no one is truly happy, then why should we envy, compare, hate, be selfish, if life had more of what you want, don’t you think life would give it to you? After all, who is ‘life’ saving your share for? … exactly… doesn’t make sense for you to hate life just because it has taken something away from you, or even worse, has not given you something you feel and think you deserve. I am a true believer that it is your fate to receive exactly what was assigned for you to receive. No one will ever snatch something that you rightly deserve or something that fate has written in your name originally, and neither will you snatch anyone else’s fate.

We can play around with decisions, arguments, manipulate a few minds, but at the end, what we get is what we were set to get in the first place, we were just trying to distract ourselves in a journey of collecting what we think is rightly ours.

So let me get this right, if through understanding, problems will be resolved, why has there been too much talking in arguments and very little settlement or understanding? Could it be that we were speaking the wrong words? could it be that we were not connecting emotionally or mentally and that is why we have been in our frame of reference the entire time, when understanding requires a shift in the frame a reference between two people in an argument (I see you, you see me, we understand one another)? Could it be that the pain was louder than the words? or could it be, that we were trained to speak our hearts… but not to listen to other’s hearts beat right next to ours, with the same amount of pain we feel… with the same amount of words flowing within… yet all we hear, are our own voices… Know how to listen, and you will profit even from those who talk badly.

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence. I hope I have taught this to some of my students during debates in lectures. I sometimes reach a boiling point because the student only sees one reality, and disregard the rest of the world, but patiently, I like to allow them the chance to fish their way to the reality they are missing out on, the lives of others who are not in their own circle of friends. It is very easy to lose one’s temper, there is something highly frustrating in the procedure of talking when none of your spoken words seem to be received, acknowledged and understood by the person you are speaking to. The frustration is what leads to aggression I believe. When words can’t do much, especially when you are angry and angry, the pain flips to aggression, and you start to use your hands. Maybe it is the flow of the blood, it rushes it to your heart, beats faster as you progressively get more upset with the argument, then it rushes to your mind, when you want to formulate come-backs and responses, and finally when it reaches a boiling point in your head, the blood flows down to your receptors, hands and legs, and you start to use them instead of your head.

If I can highlight one advantage I gained from learning for three years how to LISTEN in counselling classes, I learnt how to listen to the words that are not spoken, to the silence, not only the verbalized context, I learnt how to tell a story, and test people’s reaction to the story, read their faces, expressions, reactions, and mostly, listen to their responses, and that, that tells me a lot about who they are… without them even knowing. I use a lot of storytelling in my classes, I like to practice this procedure, to see if any of the students have changed, have understood, have been moved, have been reminded of a previous event, have witnessed such events from the story, and so forth… Denis Waitley once said, Listen to the desires of your children. Encourage them and then give them the autonomy to make their own decision, and I hope to do the same… after all, what do you think made circle time in nurseries so popular? If it wasn’t for the encouragement that allowed young people to learn to tell their stories…

On more days than less, I feel like I need good ears, more than I do need hearts, compassion and love. I look for friends, more than I do for love, and I am amazed by people who travel the world looking for love, when there are those who are in desperate needs for friends. Someone once mentioned that it seems as though the world is coming to an end with love, as though in the coming decade, there will not be any more love stories, and people will not marry for love, rather for comfort… and I said, maybe the world is coming to this, because we are at a stage where we need friendship, more than romance. After all that we have seen, generation to the other, friendship bonds lived longer than those of romance and love, and love will never disappear, it lives in every relationship, just embedded in a deferent image. There is love even in friendship, which is why I understand how some people live and die without having been ever loved, but have been well surrounded with good friends. And sometimes I believe that those hungry for love are mostly hungry for a good friend, more than the romance that comes along in the love story. The first duty of love is to listen as Paul Tillich said in his book. Maybe the world has an ear infection, and that is why we have so many wars lately… no one seems to be able to hear the other, resulting in lack of understanding, lack of connecting, and hence, lack of loving one another for the love of human race regardless of origin, ethnicity, religion, and experiences.

I end this note, with a strange imagination… I have a strange imagination, that the there will be a night, only one night, in this world, where no one will sleep upset, where all people will love one another… where no one will feel alone… for one night only… and I pray for that day to come… because the next morning will be the start of a new change, everywhere and to everyone.

Wrinkled words

If I were told, that all my words would be taken away from me, and that I would be left with nothing then merely a handful of words, to get through my days, to get through with people… I would choose to only know these following words, “I love you”, “Al Hamdulillah” (thank God), and “Istgfr Allah” (Allah forgive me).I love words, I love reading, debating, I love explaining and sharing information, but what I love more than words and the transfer of information, is the expression on people’s faces when they receive information. The shock, the thrill, the fascination, the love, the compassion, the sadness, the anger… I think if I can understand what a person feels by the look on their face, I will manage my way around just fine…

after all; this is what I learnt from lecturing… I deliver thousands of information per-day, but I receive very little verbal responses that explain to me what the student thinks of, questions, and instead, I learnt to read their faces… I come across those who are fascinated by the idea and so I go more into depth with the topic, I see faces with questions marks and puzzled eyes, and so I explain more and rephrase my taught statements, I see faces with denial and so I give facts, examples, and evidence until the expression melts and molds into acceptance to the delivered content, and I believe, that this strange equation of delivered words and facial expression responses is what keeps me thrilled every time I walk into a lecture room.I got better in connecting with people through this job, I came to understand that students have so much to carry on their own, and although I was a student just a while ago, I want to be there for my students, even though I do not know how it feels to have someone there for me, for I never had a close mentor, or an understanding lecturer… this closeness, this unconditional understanding in the west is sometimes misunderstood and seen as ‘spoon-feeding’ and ‘spoiling’ the student. I think that learning is more than just the transference of an idea, notion, or information. It is all in the art of transferring the information… I listen better to those I am comfortable around, I concentrate more with those whom I can relate to, I listen closer to those who i feel identifed by eye contact from other members of the audience…

Returning to my ‘IF’ question. I am not an emotional bombshell by the way, I hardly ever say the words ‘I love you’… I hardly express what is unnecessary to express, I am extremely passionate when talking about the truth that sometimes my honest words come across as painful pins to others. I think life is too short to lie or mess around with the words you wish to just deliver straight-forward and direct, because lies end up being dogged up, or they naturally float on the surface for someone to notice at one point or another especially when you grow tired of holding them down.

I speak my mind when I am angry or hurt, I do not filter anything, because I don’t like beautify the ugly truth that hurt me in the first place. If you show me ugly I show you ugly…. Treatment, words, inconsideration and so forth… but I hate sleeping with words trapped in my heart, so I let go of all my thoughts in any discussion, I never take words back, because I believe that even slips of the tongue mean something.. And yes, they do release some of the trapped heat of the overwhelmed feelings.

But… if I should ever come down to my knees, lose my words, lose my wisdom with them, I want to continue loving, and letting those who will look after me know that I am thankful, in loving them, I am thankful. I want my nephew to remember nothing from me but beautiful reassuring words… I want him to know I loved him before his creation, and loved him more with every day that passed. I want my parents to know, that after all the quarrels, all the stubborn moments, all the hardships and the distance of years abroad, that I love them.. I want the world to know I loved everyone everyday… I would rather love too much, than hate too much. I would rather share love, than share hate…I want to share the words I shared too little of…The rest of the words, I think I can live without… what would you want to hold on to??

Spectrum of colours

Every art piece is a spectrum. I have read a lot on Autism, and it fascinates me how it is a disorder with many syndromes.

Every child may be uniquely different even though the diagnosis states the same disorder, the symptoms and spectrums may be completely different.

I think art can very easily relate to that notion. We are all together in being diagnosed with love for art; painting, creating, blending colours, and so on, but our symptoms are what make us unique.

How we handle our love for art, just as how an individual with autism may handle his/her diagnosis.

I like nondirective art sessions. The type where you let go of your mind, allow your subconscious and conscious mind to be in the same room and not go mental, instead, experience free association through means of arts. This is precisely why I do not aim for a certain theme when I purchase a canvas, unless I have an image in my mind, or I am inspired in some way to create an imagined image in my head, and that leads me to the colour selection, size of canvas and materials that I would like to use. In this painting, I let go of my hands, and allowed my senses to lead me, gave my cognitive abilities a break actually, so that analyzing wouldn’t be too hard later on after getting some rest.

Once done with the painting, I hung it on my wall. You see, I have a tendency; I like to think and make decisions when I am having some solitary time. In my solitary time, I tend to sit on my couch, and stare right ahead at a wall full of my paintings hung nicely and neatly. This painting, very much reminds me of boundaries, hence the title.

I did not focus on the meaning of colour combination, I focused more on the general outline the structure of the lines, the thickness of threads, the layers in the paintings, and it just looked a lot like the boundaries we build in life. They may be invisible in reality, but their effect is highly visible, and this is one of the major questions of our lives: how we keep boundaries, what permission we have to cross boundaries, and how we do so. Art does imitate life; it has to come from somewhere. To put boundaries and limitations on it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Boundaries are actually the main factor in space, just as the present, another boundary, is the main factor in time. Boundaries are to protect life, not to limit pleasures. Dreams have always expanded our understanding of reality by challenging our boundaries of the real, of the possible. To some, boundaries is what the believe stopping them from living a healthy happy life, I believe that maybe boundaries are precisely what may be keeping us from knowing too much about other, hence, saving our sanity, saving our souls and hearts. Know imagine with me for a minute, if we had no boundaries, and everyone behaved the same precise way to strangers as they did with husbands, as they do with work colleagues as they do with their siblings. Sure, this world will be more connected than any human brain can possible imagine, but is that really good? Can every one handle too much honesty? Can someone feel comfortable being 'there' for everyone in their know-circle of friends, family, work peers and so on? Maybe, boundaries help us sometimes… maybe space is needed for contemplation; maybe space is needed for us to hide some secrets until we come back to reality? Maybe boundaries help us escape, more than they limit us, but that is only what I see… what do you see?

Stitch me up..

Sometimes you feel the need for some null space,
An escape from this metric place,
Gone missing from life's fast forward pace,
Away from all human race,
Absent to every sound and face,
Just to grip some breathing space,

Ten things... updated.

Ten things about me…

I MUST have my 'time alone' time.. or else I'll become a beast.. I must ponder, wonder, get lost and found all alone…
I love books, of all sorts, any good book old or new. The display, smell, touch of books feel brilliantly exciting. If knowledge had a face, it would look like a book… I think.
I love photographs… I have albums stashed with so many photos; you'd need a good few days to get through them. I also get very impatient with developing films.
I love piano tunes, playing the piano, or hearing it being played. A moment of trance I call it.
I usually dress up like a 1940's icon in Wedding's, I always walk around with rollers in my hair before a wedding... Don’t know why..
I dream of continuing my education, I am not satisfied with a successful position that I am very good at.
I hate picking up the phone; I dislike phone conversations, or constant txt's. so not a mobile person. I would live happily without a mobile if it wasn’t for the furious people who find it agitating when I do not pick up…
I love listening to old jazz (Louis prima, Michael Buble, Ella Fitzgerald, Ray Charles, Nat King Cole), swing, classical tunes… but I also have my rapid techno/hiphop moments.
I love hotel beds, pillows, and sheets… my bedsheets are always white.. I like them always white.. my room has to be tidy at all times, or I easily have a 'I hate this disorganized world' fit.
I experiment when I cook, and end up eating what I had cooked alone… I simply cant cook.

oh, and one final thing... i love my nephew like peanut butter loves jam :)

Keep running... cause they'll keep pushin'

Complex? You must be joking… what if there was no blog? To write and express, vent, rant, rail, and swear… explode to bits, collect yourself again, sort your shirt, button up, slap a smile on and walk out to the world… what if?! What if we had no language to communicate with… people would have to slap, fight, spit at one another to get the message of 'stay away you disgusting person', and probably make love so many times just to say 'I love you too honey!' .. that would be one active world… sign language would be so popular that maybe through evolution we will lose our lips… of course if an organ goes unused for so long it gradually shrinks or… demolishes in some way.. we would not have phones… we would probably have wireless camera's, it would be a frustrating yet fun place… maybe that's what the world is missing.. a touch.. a kind tender touch… sometimes words alone cannot bring the space between people closer, sometimes words make things more complicated, easily misunderstood, and/or harder to forget and forgive… sometimes words do not fill the vast empty space life brings between us and everything around… friend of foe, I think life sometimes hates itself.. just as we hate ourselves on some gloomy gray days..

Okay… got sidetracked … tv, ipod, BB, baby faisal just woke up… rolling off his bed.. mum and dad watching Turkish Episodes of never ending love stories… too much going on… complete opposite of my life in Manchester… the day was mine, entirely mine, dedicated entirely to my wishes, demands, and decisions.. the hours were longer! I remember praying was spiritual, it lasted a good while, meant a good deal... now however… its like I'm living life on a treadmill.